A Stiff Drink………and Chocolate

Navigating Daily Life, One Step at a Time…

Love is…

choosing to stay even when things aren’t ideal. In this day and age when kids are looking for instant gratification, when you can access anything online and the next best thing is just around the corner, it’s no wonder that the divorce rate in America is so high. Gone is the generation that knows, needs and understands you have to work at things. Those are the folks that find love and stay married for 20, 30, 40+ years. 

Why is that? What makes that love? Love isn’t a Disney movie, though there are things in Disney movies which are realistic and what one should work towards. (If you’re curious what I mean, just go to Pinterest!) Love isnt a fairy tale. Once the honeymoon is over and the chemicals are settled down, you have to decide every day is this where you want to be? Is this who you want to be with? Can you imagine living another day without that voice, that face, that smile, that being next to you? 

You may not like that person RIGHT NOW. You may wake up and something happens and you’re angry and upset with that person. But just because in this moment you are unhappy, either with them, or with yourself, that doesnt mean that the next moment things may change. 

Just because TODAY was tough doesnt mean that tomorrow will be. 

And that’s where I think that this generation coming up is missing the mark and doesnt understand what previous generations, the ones that made it 30+ years together, understands. If you wake up and EVERY DAY is miserable, then yes, get out. If the relationship is abusive then you had BETTER get out. But if its just today, then stick with it if you love this person. Life isn’t ideal, its not a fairy tale and that high you feel in the beginning wont always be. To believe that is to be unrealistic and to set yourself up for disaster. 

Love is perseverance, understanding, empathy, communication, patience, and most importantly….WORK. 

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2 thoughts on “Love is…

  1. I totally agree with your description and ideas, and would love to know your experience with loving a spouse/partner. Are you married? If so, how long.

    I totally struggle with this, like the young people you describe who are so quick to divorce. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out how not to struggle so much. This is my 5th committed relationship, never engaged or married, just dating and sometimes living together.

    I know my problem is that I’m not accepting of my partner the way I should be to make it work. That will probably help him want to do the right thing more often, but I’m a 50/50 person and I don’t know how to let go of that expectation. I also want to be romanced, after moving in together. Lately I have been wondering if I need to ask more of my boyfriend, I wonder if people who have deep connections developed those connections by relying on each other for something. So I’m trying to figure out which of his strengths I can capitalize on.

    But mostly I’m stuck frustrated to not have the traits that I want in a partner. There are so many ways to be compatible with someone, it’s hard to know which ones I need to make things work forever, if that is even possible for me.

    My parents and grandparents divorced, so I don’t have an inside view of a successful relationship. This boyfriend is so much like me, I thought we would understand each other well. But now it feels like he doesn’t understand me at all. Would it be better to find someone who is different than me so we can fill in for each other’s weaknesses, instead of amplifying them?

    • Anne, if I may, I think the issue is that you’re trying to find a strength of his that you can capitalize on. Why do you want to capitalize on anything in relation to your partner? Capitalizing on some trait of another’s is basically using them to fulfill something in yourself; something which you should be looking internally for and not externally.

      It seems to me, that you fall into a similar rut that I find myself in at times where you over-analyze; you said yourself that you’re trying not to struggle so much. Look at why and look at yourself, not anything else, as a touchpoint for the struggling. I’m not perfect and I certainly have regular moments where I need to remind myself to do the same in my own relationships, but I have found that when I stop looking at what the other person is or isnt doing in relation to what I want, and start analyzing myself, I have better results all the way around. When you start critiquing a partner, that’s generally a good sign that there is something in yourself, and not them, that you need to address.

      Which is why I say that its our choice to wake up in the morning and stay even when things arent the fairy tale that we expect – why? Because WE are expecting things to be that way and thats not reality. We have to adjust our view of what reality is, and its not always pretty or idealistic. Sometimes, it is, but day in and day out the important things are whether we love and can communicate with our partners, and if in spite of what the ugly may be right now, we dont want to spend a day without them in our lives.

      Then, you find ways to make it work together.

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